I went outside to have a swim in the ocean. I needed to get away from my family just for awhile, so I sneaked outside of my window to go to the beach. My house was near the beach and I knew if anything were to happen I could escape easily. But as I swam my worries started to drift away and I was quite far from the shore. It was a beautiful night and the sound of the sea was so pleasant. Suddenly, I heard a very large swish in the waters. “What was that!” I exclaimed to myself. I looked around to see if I was in any danger. Then right before my eyes I saw a fin of the shark moving around me, circling as if I was his new prey. I swam as fast a I could to get away from the shark and headed back to the beach.
Panting, out of breath and my heart beating heavily; I stopped for a minute to see if the shark was still after me. I was now closer to the shore. I kept on swimming until I could feel the grains of rocks and shells beneath me and quickly ran out of the waters. Then I felt something stinging from the side of my ankles. I looked down and saw that the shark had actually bit me! I was that close to being eaten alive and so close to death. But I managed to escape the shark and walk away safely.
I walked quite steadily towards my house, even though I had this huge shark bite on my ankle and called out for help to my family. I could hear my dad rushing down the stairs and in less than a minute he came bursting through the door. “Where on earth did you go to? I was worried sick!” he saw my ankle seriously injured then stopped yelling. We headed straight a way to the hospital to check my injury. That is the story of how I escaped death.
I liked that you wrote about what happened after the 'shark attack' and not just ended it with the character being safe.
ReplyDeleteI like your story line. :) the way you explained why you went to the waters and after. But what lacks (in my perspective) is the lack of description during the 'shark attack'. The more the description of the size/feel of the shark and what you felt and the surrounding, it would be a lot better. :)
ReplyDeleteI agree with both these comments. I would also question some word choices such as 'swish' which is quite benign and possibly even a comforting or gentle sound, when the atmosphere (I assume) you are trying to create is danger. Don't worry about rushing to the end; as you saw with the 'Paint' story, it's not the action that makes the writing great, but rather the language choices and description.
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